Because now you are a mom

I’ve lost my voice again. Every time it happens, there is a feeling of hopelessness that I’ll ever get it back. I have this recurrent dream that I’m falling from the sky, kind of like Alice down the rabbit hole, and I keep my mouth open screaming things I would like others to hear, but the wind is gushing every word into deaf silence. I don’t hit the ground, but this fall is just never-ending and it scared the hell out of me. (I don’t really have that dream, but you get my point, it’s a desperate make-believe of the unheard drama queen.)

There was a time I was desperate for a community of like-minded people and during the pregnancy it seemed I found it. A wonderful community of mothers-to-be, who share same outlook of the world, of parenthood and, as it seemed, perhaps of other things. Your body is pumped with a mix of hormones you are not even aware make your world different – in what way different I could not say, I still don’t know, but for a woman, a community is needed. Because you are going to be a mom.

An illusion of a perfect home

Then the birth comes and it cuts you open and transforms you in ways you could have never imagined, despite the fact that generations and generations of women keep telling you it will. I will not tell you that. It was my experience. The writing is in a other story, where I still had a voice to compose and describe it in detail. Now I am without my voice. Because I am a mom.

Suddenly everybody has an opinion. Motherhood is a topic everybody knows something about. Most of all those that have no children. People who are the most experienced in motherhood are middle aged men (some definitions start middle-aged period with 35 years of age, so the range is wide), followed by middle-aged women. Now the most important role in your life is to take care of your baby, you should dedicate every research to him, your baby, every waking moment is just for your precious baby. Postpartum depression is also about him. Fix your body though, it will bring you much joy and health in the future and there is a timeline when this should be done, I mean the PDP (everybody knows what this acronym means, surely) and the loosing weight especially from your belly. Have sex with your husband and like it. You should have lots of sex with your husband anyway, but now it is especially important for a man. Learn to breathe the correct way for your pelvic floor muscles and don’t do any incorrect moves or breaths. Breathe in, breathe out. B r e a t h i n. BREATHE IN. You already did it. Why did you forget to breathe OUT? You need to take time for yourself and also be on a better sleep regime. Sleep when your baby does. Because now you are taking care of somebody else first, now you are a mom!

Can somebody ask me how I feel because a friend of mine suddenly died? What was he like, why were you friends? Or offer me a dream job. Can somebody just ask me how I am doing on a hard day? And not measure my worth by how much poop I cleaned today.

Then there is the community. Lovely, life-saving community at times. And a village to help grow your child, a romantic tribe where everybody wants to help you live the most natural way without heavy metal(s) and coca-cola. Suddenly you see they are all young living secret agents in for a plot twist in this series – volatile oils are the superheroes of healing and they rule the daily discussions. Asking questions is only for Instagram baby pages and doctors are slowly getting unemployed because they have no more work to do – medicine moved to another platform. Now you have to stay informed, because now you are a mom!

I wish options still existed. I wish my role could be squeezed somewhere in between taking romantic walks down the aisles at the garden center (and for that matter at the wedding hall, non-pregnant) and on the beach in Iceland. Yes, I said beach in Iceland, they exist, just look at the map! Every so often it would be lovely if my son, my husband, my childhood and the future (after the fucking war started the future seems more like the Don’t look up film, horrendous!), was just not referred to. Or my forgetfulness, but otherwise pretty normal brain function. Or the inferiority of women in society post-child, because they just don’t earn enough and their brain functions differently than men’s. I love my child and I fucking love discussing about babies, cosmetics, clothes, men, sex… and listen to my community… BUT PLEASE, because I’m a mom, doesn’t mean I had a lobotomy and you have to hint at my duties in every conversation we have. Because there is a role of a father too, perhaps even a babysitter, daycare teacher, grandma and grandpa and a good friend.

Woman hinting at a workshop that I should be very lucky that my husband lets me be away from home with a 5-month baby at home, promotes a very harmful stereotype that us women are destined to be single mothers and if men help us they take pity on us and babysit sometimes. Well, it is not called babysitting if it’s your child, it’s called parenting!

A colleague of mine never mentions she is married and has a daughter in her personal descriptions. She also does not hide it and we always talk about our experiences with children. But by behaving this way she makes sure her role isn’t reduced to being a mom and that her actions aren’t the way they are because she is a mom. Oh, but I always secretly think they are, haha.

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